Brought up in shame. Shame and disgust. Sin and taboos. Resulting in a split-off sexuality and a disembodied being.
It has taken me years and years of therapy and a seven-year relationship to finally arrive to a place in my life where I can be more comfortable with my body and with my sexuality. But the moment I am exposed, vulnerable, feeling afraid or insecure, I regress to that space of disconnectedness. And in that space of disconnection, in my old defences, I live out my old relationship to my body and sex. I desire the other, I long for touch, I wish for the abandonment and the merging together. But my fears keep me well back.
But I am currently in a better place than I was some time ago. And so I reconnect to the confidence I acquired in my personal journey, to the moment when I finally managed to overcome the shame that tied me down for decades. I allow myself to explore, to experiment, to live out new situations I usually shied away from. But this time, I live them out while being connected to myself and my desires, rather then being acutely disconnected, resolute to do only what I want to do.
And a thought pops into my head: Why the fuck was I told for years and years that playing around sexually is disgusting, abominable, perverted, immature? Why was it taboo or looked down upon? With the result of internalising that judgement and thereby condemning my desires, blocking their expression and my own awareness of them in the first place! It’s already a shady thing having sex with someone of your own sex! But if you do it, at least do it in an acceptable way: with your exclusive partner! Otherwise, you’re a perverted, egoistic, and shameful slut!
Now I can say that this is all bullshit.
I have explored different kinds of sex, ranging from sex with a partner to sex in a group, from the intimate gentle kissing to the more kinky. I have been in situations where sex was present as another way of interacting with the other, where the connection happens on multiple levels and sex is not the be all and end all of what is happening. And what I know deep down inside me is that as long as I was connected to myself and respecting my desires, I left that situation feeling serene and complete. It is this that helps me further integrate my own desires in a non-judgemental way, that allows me to acknowledge my desires rather than repressing them and have them live out their secret life. It is this which enables me to take on my own power in sex, and risk being the top who acts upon his desires, rather than passively submitting as a bottom in order to avoid presenting my desires to the other – or to myself in the first place – and having them judged as not good enough.
And I feel so freer, so more mature and integrated. Quite different to the disgusting, appalling, and egoistic hedonist I was taught I am supposed to be!