Squeezing the juice out of Grindr

I have been actively using dating (or sex) profiles for over a year. I have learnt a lot about life: stuff that my parents never taught me … because they didn’t know about it as, most probably, they never lived it out.


The down side.

Deceit. Lies. Arrogance. Falsity. Bitchiness. Stupidity. Shallowness. Starting a conversation that sounds like a nice chat, while actually having sex in mind. “Hi, how are you?” while actually wanting to get to “Have you any xxx pics?” “Hi handsome!” instead of a clear “I want to fuck you!” People say they would like to meet you tomorrow, because they are not able to say “I’m not interested!” Making plans to meet up in a few days’ time after a short conversation, but never communicating again because it was more a ‘looking for now’ situation. People who only show their chest or nothing at all, but demand from you a dick or arse pic. And the uncountable lack of replies to a “Hi!” or “Hello there!” and then block you because they don’t like you. The worst I’ve got was someone who asked me for my pic, and their subsequent comment was: “You’re ugly!” Fortunately I had experienced enough rejection or being ignored not to take him personally and to realise that his comment only said something about him, not about me. But I still couldn’t help uttering out a “Fuck you!”

I did a number of these things myself. Not the hiding my face from the other whose facial pic I ask for, as I believe that if I’m asking someone to expose who they are, then the least I can do is do the same thing myself! But I too have fallen into the pattern of dishonest communication at times. Which I’m not proud of. And I realise how soul-deadening it can be, and how much it decreases one’s expectations or hopes when it comes to more significant relationships or even a one-night stand!


The positive side.

It has helped me be freer with my body. My body is no longer something I am mostly ashamed of, something I should hide from everybody’s eyes, at times including my own. If you don’t like me, it’s ok. And if I don’t like you, it’s OK too. I have learnt to state that I’m not interested, rather than feeling guilty about possibly hurting someone if I say “no” to them. I have come to live out sex in a freer way, not always imbued with so much meaning and made so heavy with expectations. I have learnt to feel and acknowledge my sexual craving. And as a result of this freedom I acquired I continue discovering how having sex with someone can be much more enjoyable than a quick wank for release, and how much pleasant it can be if I am in tune with my body’s needs instead of judging them and suppressing them! I have been with many guys whose name I’ve forgotten. I have been with guys whose name I don’t know. I have been with a couple of guys where I was craving so much for touch that I allowed myself to be exploited physically. Which makes me judge myself as a disgusting slut at times. But ultimately, what I have done is allowed my sexual desire to express myself. Why should that be disgusting or wrong? I am now in a space where I know more what I want. And I know that I want different things, at different times, and with different people. So, in a way, Grindr has also made it possible for me to be freer.


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